2010 16 May

Shattering

Author: Shawn Categories: Poetry Park, Soul Safari

My body, so weak
Weak like an old frail woman
Can’t fill out the paper work
Lines on the page move, like plasma
Across the page
I can’t focus, can barely stay conscious

Time to see the nurse
“Sit here, she’ll be right with you”
Words echo as sounds through water
The room is running in circles
As fast as it can
My sweat-dipped skin looks transparent
Where’s the nurse?
Blackness and whiteness envelop me
I float off the chair

Voices above me, nervous, anxious
My eyes won’t open
Carpet under my dulled fingertips
Am I laying down?
“I can’t find a pulse, her pressure is under 50”
Am I dying?
Where’s my friend, my stuff,
Who are these people?

Blurred images dance into my eyes
They put me into an ambulance
They are smiling, as I will not die
To the trauma unit I go
And I keep passing out
It’s a really bad trip and they keep running tests
Big Bertha nurse gives me a catheter
I pass out again

Down for X-rays – at least it’s quiet
Miasma controls my mind
They find a growth
Where my fertility should be
Never the same now
My mind breaks and the pieces scatter
I sweat and shake
And disappear

2010 16 May

Inspired

Author: Shawn Categories: Soul Safari

Today has been a day of contemplation. I’ve recently run across Lisa Ray’s blog, “The Yellow Diaries“. And that’s Lisa Rani Ray, just to be clear.

For those of you who don’t know, Lisa Ray is an actress and model, intelligent, beautiful, astonishingly brave, and has an amazing gift for words. She’s recently been through a battle with Multiple Myeloma, which is bone marrow cancer. I can’t even begin to imagine what she’s been through. Well, maybe a little having my own battles with uterine cancer, but nothing like that. Can you imagine your own bone substance attacking you? That truly sucks.

At any rate, I’ve been reading, catching up on her blog, and am literally floored by her bravery, her willingness to share her journey, baring her emotions in such an honest way, and her will to keep fighting. Drop and roll.

It has forced me to look at my own life, review the scarred pieces of the many battles of abuse, traumas, and disease that I’ve been through, realizing that even though there have been times that all I wanted to do was throw in the towel, I never really did. Withdrew for a time, yes, but give up?

Only those close to me have been privy to my personal battles, and only two have known it all. I have written some stories, mostly for some sort of theraputic release, acknowledging that they happened, but I haven’t shared them. Reading Lisa Ray’s blog, I’m thinking that maybe I should be braver. We all go through piles of manure hoping that it doesn’t stain us, but it does.

I’m not a big celebrity like she is, but I understand her words, her fight with fate, and her stuggle to stay on the lifeboat.

My business keeps me focused on writing things for other businesses, which can allow for a certain amount of creativity, but how creative can you really get when writing about plumbing, real estate, landscaping, and the like? And personal? Forget it.

Part of the reason I have this site is to be more personal, more creative, and give me a place to safely vent and hopefully, like Lisa, give someone else a place to hook their lifeboat and realize they are not alone, that someone else is learning how to cope.

So far, I’ve thrown out a couple personal stories, some creative stories, some recycled adventure column bits, some funny true stories, blogs posts that have shared some of my life’s progress, and a few pretty personal poems that, if read with the right eye, belie some of the personal stuggles, but mostly it’s been an outlet for the more creative side, not the personal.

For whatever reason, Lisa Ray has inspired me to do more, be once again willing to bear my soul, to try to take more risks. Little by little, I’ve headed in this direction after a few horrific bumps in the road that nearly did me in. It’s been hard. I’m not the same as I used to be, the shattered pieces didn’t go back together the way they were. And I haven’t completely figured it all out yet.

The kicker? After I read Lisa’s last post, I went outside to sit in the sun a bit. It’s the warmest day of the year so far, and I needed to think about what I just read. As I sat there letting the sun fill up my cells with Vitamin D, watching the bees collect pollen from the overgrown dandelion patches, a beautiful little yellow finch alighted on one of the tall dandelions and proceeded to stare at me for about a minute.

Yellow Diaries, yellow sun, yellow dandlelions, yellow bees, and a curious intense stare from a yellow finch. Geez, talk about being smacked in the face with yellow signs.

I did write a little something to Lisa Ray, just to let her know that her voice and her journey have impacted me, and told her about the finch. I’ve never reached out like that before, written to a familiar stranger, but after the experience outside, I figured I’d better. That whole karma thing, you know.

Then I ventured here, where I ought to be sharing the personal things that I’ve always wanted to, but haven’t been brave enough. Will anyone read it? I guess that’s not really the point. I hope so, otherwise it ends up being music that is never heard, words that have no color, but essentially it is about allowing myself to speak from my soul.

So, onto new journeys. I still have plenty of bizarre things to talk about, and creative stories, and I’m sure that my weird poems will still be my main outlet for my emotions, but I believe it is about time for me to share some of my personal journeys through heaven and hell. Thus, the creation of the Soul Safari. It’s a bit terrifying, and I hope I don’t lose my nerve. Sigh … nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?